Why Men Pull Away

Why Men Pull Away

We men are simple creatures. We love our women and if we are in love with you, our number one goal is pleasing you.

However we can’t reasonably do that which we don’t know how to do.

Sometimes things need to be spelled out for us.

Sometimes they even need to be spelled out VERY clearly. (As in speak very slowly and repeat as necessary.)

We need to be taught the things that please you (and I really hesitate to use this phrase but here goes!) much like dogs need to be taught the difference between bad behaviors and good.

We are men and we (often) need to be trained. Training us however is not to be confused with changing us, and that I think is where miscommunication often begins and confusion sets in.

Why Do Men Pull Away?

A woman can often feel as though her man is pulling away or no longer seems to be that interested in her and sometimes, this results because he is feeling too much pressure to be someone he is not.

As I stated before we men are simple creatures and we love to please our women but the minute we feel you are trying to change us, something shifts internally.

We start pulling away and finding excuses to distance ourselves from you and what we see as a nosedive into a black abyss of misery.

Men have an innate need to be loved truly and deeply for their real selves. Not for the man you want them to be or the man you think they could be… but for the man they really are, right here and right now.

Anything less is like slow suffocation and the death of true happiness.

But how do you show a man you love the real him, flaws and all? Well let’s start by articulating one of the ways you don’t show him you love the real him.

What Pushes a Guy Away Fast?

Criticizing and nagging (which go hand in hand together and we talk about quite a bit in GirlGetsRing) is a surefire way to push a man away from you. It shows him that you don’t love the real him. This makes him immediately feel you’re trying to change him by sparking the whole “I like/love you… but I’d like/love you a whole lot more if…” mental loop.

This particular mental loop can be the death of any love or attraction between the two of you, in a very permanent kind of way. What person wants to feel they have to prove something to their mate just to be loved?

If you are constantly criticizing him over his choice of friends or nagging him about his habit of leaving his clothes in the floor, or harping because he smokes cigars (despite knowing full well he smoked when you met him) you begin to morph into someone he wasn’t expecting.

Instead of seeing you as that hot, carefree girl he fell head over heels for on the beach that one night, he suddenly begins to see a chick that looks a lot like… his Mom.

Yikes. Not sexy!

None of this is to say men can’t take criticism; only that there are much more effective ways of getting what you want from a man.

Ways that don’t include nagging or criticizing or making him feel as though you want to change him.

Because what you are really telling him by doing those things is that he isn’t enough, as is.

The real man isn’t cutting it and he’s not living up to your expectations. Talk about wilting the flower.

How To Stop Pushing Him Away…

If you’ve ever heard the saying you catch more flies with honey… well honey it is so true!

It may sound strange, but men respond remarkably well to positive language and behaviors (as opposed to criticism and nagging) coupled with refreshingly blunt honesty.

It’s just how we roll. (OK most of us anyway.)

So cut the criticism and nagging and exchange it for the KISS formula, which I explain in-depth GGR. Just be careful because this method is super powerful and if abused can really damage your relationship even more than nagging or criticism can.

But what is this mysterious KISS formula? And how can it help save my relationship?

Simple Technique To Keep a Guy:

Tell him what you like or don’t like (this is the refreshingly blunt honesty part). An then tell him how it makes you feel (this is the part where you use positive language and behaviors to do it).

Pretty easy right?

So the high pitched shriek of “Geez, why can’t you just ever take out the garbage without me asking you to?!” turns into something like “Honey, I really love it when you take out the garbage without me having to ask first… it really makes me feel like you appreciate me.”

You might even offer him a kiss as further incentive to continue to “appreciate you”.

As I said before… kind of like dog training. 🙂

Positive reinforcement works and it makes a man so much more receptive to actually hearing what you’re trying to say, rather than polarizing him into running screaming in a completely different direction. Thus making you feel as though he’s pulling away from you.

Which he is in fact probably doing, but it’s no doubt a very easily corrected situation, if you’re willing to modify your own behavior too.

In GGR I talk about the KISS formula more extensively and go into some of the ways it can be used effectively, as well as when this formula shouldn’t be used.

So how about you?

Have you found you tend to catch more flies with honey in your relationships? Do you feel like your man is pulling away from you and suspect it could be due to behaviors like nagging? Do you feel he’s pulling away for other reasons?

Or, have you changed things for the better? Remember it might seem unfair sometimes, but change always starts with you.

You have the power to steer your love life in a better direction, so break out that compass!

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Leave A Reply (12 comments so far)

  1. adisa ifeoluwa
    7 years ago

    I love this article, so wat re u going 2 do 2 a guy who has gone 2 b wif another lady nthe lady telling u to leave her man alone, and wen u tried sending a txt 2 him he didn’t answer?

  2. Gabrielle
    6 years ago

    A guy occasionally withdrawing is natural, since guys take a lot of pride over their independence. If a guys talks to a rock in the palm of his hand about the girl he loves, rather than talking to the girl, he makes more sense to the rock! When women listen to him in a non-judgmental way, and listen without too much intention to calculate quick responses, he feels far more comfortable. It’s a difficult thing for us to do when we feel so worried, but it works, not only for guys, but for any withdrawal situation with anyone.
    The honey thing is interesting because you don’t want to swing too far in becoming a doormat, rewarding his actions of withdrawal and ignoring you. If he does it too often, let him know how it makes you feel – check into if it is coming from a place of your own insecurities or coming from an objective place. Also, let him know how the good things he does make you feel. When guys get complements from you, they will overdo what they feel makes you happy. That’s great.

  3. Helen
    6 years ago

    I have tried the softer approach it still comes up as nagging or trying to change him or making him do something he doesn’t want to do. Usually it comes out at a later date. I find it very frustrating. I do not wish to not notice that things are simply left to be fixed all by themselves. Being ignored for the phone pc or whatever does not make a girl want to cuddle up to you.

    What if your man is just plain don’t see it don’t think about type,everything gets pushed aside nothing is ever finished or taken care of including you.

    I have a used by date which is quickly pouncing on me. Too old to start again.

  4. Anusha
    6 years ago

    I have met a man I am head over heels in love with. Sex is like heaven. But after a hot passionate
    lovemaking he never calls or sms. I think i did something wrong. after a few months he contacts
    me. and again i get carried away. when i ask y not contacting after last meeting his excuse is
    his very busy with work. but every time he makes love to me and tell me how fantastic im and how much he loves me.

  5. Nikki
    6 years ago

    Thisis definitely a good idea!!

  6. Ashley
    6 years ago

    So me and my boyfriend has been dating for 8 months and he has not told me he loves me. He says he like me a lot and that he misses me when I’m not around. We have talked about building a house together and haveing a family. His even got me talked into a camo wedding dress someday. He take care of me when I have migraines. He also massages my feet when I get home from work and makes me Breakfast in bed. I have fallen so deeply for him and he can’t just say I love you. I tell him his the best bf I have ever had I tell him thank you and I kiss him when he does nice things. I make him home made cookies that he loves and homemade cakes I massage his back if it hurts bc I like to give back for ever thing he does for me. I was wondering y is there not I love you. Do I have to wait longer what’s going on. Do I give up on him.

  7. wendy
    6 years ago

    Anusha…he’s using you. You are a booty call, nothing more.

  8. Eileen
    6 years ago

    I’ve always prided myself that I don’t nag, and I don’t want to ever be the judgemental or critical woman, but I found myself staying shut and eventually would shut down, which is not how I really want to be either. Men have really responded to that side but I know alot of it is because of their past relationships. I also don’t like to be compared.

  9. NOEMI
    6 years ago

    I have no problem getting them to commit. Its the cheating that comes afterwards I cant deal with, so I file for divorce. Now I cant marry they guy that has been waiting for three years. I fear he too will cheat on me and I get hurt again. So i’m avoiding it as long as I can. 🙁

  10. mary jo
    6 years ago

    So how long do you keep doing these things with out any results. I have done this and even got the ring. It wasn’t 2 months later and he broke it off. We were together for 6 years and had every thing in common, great sex and goals. Yes I did flip out when it happened but than just gave him his space and moved on. The problem is I still love him and want him back in my life. It has been 9 months I have only talked to him once and all went well but nothing sense than . Do I just have to put him behind me?

  11. francie
    6 years ago

    My boyfriend and I have a long distance relationship and love each other very much ,but at times I worry that I cant fully express my true feelings as he gets defensive I always try to reinforce I love him first and foremost but it seems at time he still takes what im saying wrong Im a real sweetheart and love to pamper and care for my partner but how do I know how sincere he is with his feelings I get scared of being hurt please help me and thank you for your time…Have a beautiful day please.


  12. Marie
    5 years ago

    Love is hard. I done a lot of dating couch websites. I feel like i am a better person for the insight. Yes i make mistakes. But i find when one door closes another opens. Everyone will heal. Keep an open heart and dont bash your exs when u are with someone else. No one likes to hear that stiuff. I learned that I have to take responsibility for my mistakes too. But i never been abused so i can’t comment about that. I personnaly have good luck with NON drinkers. But i meet some good friends and i still have friendships with some of my exs. U never know they may do a handy man thing if you need it, So be positive and find something that makes you happy. When you feel lonely. My internet therapy has helped a lot.

    Yes i still do stupid stuff. But at least i am aware and try to work on stopping it. Someday someone will come to me and accept me for me. Experienced 50 something lady. Yes dating is great in the 50s. When you have an open heart.

    Remember dogs are very loyal. Smile.

    Get a nice batch of positive girl friends and have fun.