Intimacy in a Relationship – Why Good Sex Necessarily Doesn’t Spell Love

Intimacy in a Relationship

OK so it’s happened. You met a guy you’re mad about, and decided to bite the bullet and have sex.

The sex was mind-blowing, you both had a fabulous time, and now you’re even crazier about him than before!

In your mind you’ve just reached a milestone in your relationship and you can’t wait to see where it’s going next. Your emotions are all tangled up over him, and you feel like you’re now closer than ever.

A bit of time passes, and you begin to feel like your warm and fuzzies aren’t being reciprocated in quite the manner you expected, considering you’ve now been intimate together.


Stop right there, because that’s where lies an a common relationship issue.

How Sex Can Change a Relationship…

This may sting a bit but you need to know and understand this.

Men and women are two different animals that tend to view sex in entirely different ways. The hard truth is that just because your feelings for a man deepen with sex it doesn’t mean that his do as well.

In fact men have a very frustrating (depending on your point of view of course) ability to completely separate sex from emotion, and women all over the world are left feeling a little bereft after getting naked, wondering why he doesn’t seem to feel as emotionally connected as they now do.

How Women View Sex:

Typically, a woman will see sex as a physical expression of their feelings for someone. It’s often a romantic undertaking, surrounded by the social expectations that for women, sex should be with “someone they love”.

So it’s very easy for a woman to tie the two together and view having sex as something she is doing “because she’s in love”.

By association she pretty much believes that if she is having sex because she loves a man, he must be having sex with her because he loves her back… completely forgetting that men are just not wired in the same way that women are.

How Men View Sex:

Usually, men are perfectly capable of sharing casual sex with a woman, and in being 100% OK that casual is all that it is. They don’t have to love someone to have sex with them. In fact some men don’t even have to like a woman to have sex with her.

Sex can be seen by men as strictly a recreational act, a physical way to have fun and enjoy the time he’s spending with a woman. Love simply isn’t a requirement for that to happen, even if the sex itself is crazy good.

Intimacy in a Relationship – A Right Time For Sex?

Men often feel physical attraction before there’s ever any sort of emotional attraction or connection. And if a guy Because of how men view sex, The sad truth is that,sex too soon in a relationship can potentially get in the way of establishing an emotional bond.

However withholding sex because of personal rules or because you’ve heard “playing hard” to get is how to win a guy can also hinder the development of a true relationship. Some men than think about sex as a game and you have become a prize to be won.

Obviously that’s not your goal either.

Confused yet?!

That’s why we go over this in Girl Gets Ring (and actually go against conventional advice), because choosing the right time to have sex with a man is an important part of the dating process. Especially when you’re attempting build a long-term relationship with a guy!

The most vital piece of the puzzle is to remember that men, deep down in their gut, want to be wanted for their true selves. So there is never really a right or a wrong time to have sex in a relationship, there’s only a right and wrong time for you.

If there is genuine emotion and true attraction there and you’re both ready to step it up, go with your gut and make the jump. In a nutshell, having sex for the first time in a relationship all boils down to honesty and genuineness… And every couple is different.

OK. But, why doesn’t he have warm and fuzzy feelings too?

Sex From a Man’s Perspective:

Women can often mistakenly assume that sex means an emotional bond is already there, or even worse that sex will create that bond.

When all is said and done though, unless that bond was already established because you both invested the time in each other to nurture it… one sexual encounter doesn’t make that bond magically appear.

If that emotional connection is missing, then to a guy good sex is just that and he is always more than happy to engage in it when it is offered.

He may even have a great time and want to do it again… but it doesn’t mean he wll be mentally picking out rings for the two of you and convincing himself you’re “the one”.

Ultimately one of the most important questions you need to ask yourself before ever having sex with a man is this…

Can you handle it if things just don’t work out like you hoped?

Sometimes with men good sex is just good sex.

And you might have to be OK with that.

Thoughts? Have you ever been a similar situation? I’d love to hear your story in the comments below.

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Leave A Reply (18 comments so far)

  1. Sassy
    7 years ago

    I was attracted 2 him n on our first date we had sex.Eventually we became fond of each oda n now wen I ask him wher dis is takin us,he says he’s in a twist wt somone bt does nt wnt 2 explain further bcos he does nt wnt 2 loose me.That let God ve his way,now am worried n I won’t more frm him or back out jst d way it all started.Am really confused

  2. Shelby
    7 years ago

    You said witholding sex for personal reasons is wrong? Am I understanding this correctly? If that is what you said, I have absouletely no respect for you now and will not buy your product and actually very much dislike you.

  3. Valarie
    7 years ago

    I think he was referring to women who withhold sex as a manipulation tactic, like being hard to get and making a guy “chase” you, because some guys simply just love the chase and that can backfire on you. I don’t think he meant withholding it for moral reasons such as wanting to wait for marriage to even have sex. That’s a different matter altogether.

  4. Valarie
    7 years ago

    Or a cover all type personal rule like, no sex until the “x”th date…

  5. Anne
    6 years ago

    I love my man dearly. But sometimes, I just wanna get laid. All emotions aside; just DO me and let me roll over and go to sleep. He says I “use” him like a tool when I do that. And he loves it! Strange… but it works for us. Mixin’ it up goes a looong way!

  6. MJ
    6 years ago

    If women are naturally wired to think that there is a connection between sex and love and men are naturally wired to think that sex and love are unrelated, then where do we go from here? I would hate to think that the man I’m with thinks having sex with me is just sex. For me, sex should not be a recreational activity. I’ve read and studied too much on STDs. Certain STDs lead to a slow death so yes, sex can kill.

    I had a friend who once told me she wouldn’t have sex with a guy whom she felt had an irresponsible sex life. She refused to put her health in danger just for sex. And eventually I began to see her point-of-view.

    So when is it a good time to have sex? When both of you know if the other has an STD, when you have waited at least 6 months after you started dating so if he just contacted a virus, symptoms might pop up within that 6 month period. Certain STDs don’t have symptoms at all. But it’s good to wait at least 6 months.

    If he doesn’t feel for you the way you feel for him after being intimate then at least you can walk away from the relationship with your health not being jeopardized.

  7. Elizabeth
    6 years ago

    Yes I have been in that kind of was with my high school sweetheart.he swore up and down that he loved me and wanted to be with me.but when it all boil down he would only talk to me when he wanted some.but then when I finally moved on and got with someone who actually cared about me.he wanted to get all huffy and puffy and said I did he wrong and left him and also broke his heart.but I couldn’t tell if he really truly cared.because like I said he would only talk to me when he wanted some.

  8. colleen wilson
    6 years ago

    I am in a similar situation. My ex is seeing another woman but whenever she goes out of town he comes over for sex and it is fabulous. When she gets home he rushes over there and embelishes her with affection, respect and fixes her cars, house etc. My heart and soul get crushed every time this happens. I can’t do it anymore, I am physically sick from it. My nerves are demilianated and I have been diagnosed with ms.

    It feels like making love at the time versus sport sex. I didn.t know men could do that. What is the answer?

    I think I should have stood back and let him be with her exclusively and not allow him back in until he is ready to commit to being exclusive again. He has his cake and eating it too!

  9. Tiny
    6 years ago

    Tonight I feel I am dying. I need to know if there is such a thing as a REAL man. One who is capable of loving only ONE woman… ONLY THAT woman… and who no longer has any desire to check out other women because he REALLY IS TRULY IN LOVE WITH ONE WOMAN, and would feel the way I’m feeling tonight, as though he were dying if he lost her. Is there such a thing as a man who is capable of love so deep that even eternity isn’t long enough time to spend with her? Is there such a thing as a man with a real heart beating inside his chest, with the capacity to care about any other human being more than himself? Is a man capable of genuine love, 100% commitment, complete devotion, and faithfulness to ONE WOMAN FOR LIFE?
    No, these are not rhetorical questions. I really need to know. I’m so tired of hearing “I love you and always will” and finding out that it was all just more lies. I’m so tired of always ending up with this abandoned, hopeless, lonely, terribly sad, sick, aching, needing, empty, longing, wasted feeling in my core that life just isn’t worth the pain of living it.

  10. Nikki
    6 years ago

    Well, great to finally hear the honest truth! Uf you have sex with a guy you are screwed But if you do not have se with a guy you are also screwed. It is an imlortant revelation, because so frequently women take all the consequences and blame for whatever men do. You slept with him and he dumped you pregnant -your fault, don’t be a whore! You did not sleep with him and he fiund someone else – setves you right! Next time you land a guy you better do not play touch-me,-not and sleep with him.

    So women go through life with a sense of fault, feeling like she is not good enough or not doing something right so she is the reason for her own loneliness, unhappiness and unreciprocated wlove. The big advantage of this article is that it reliefs me as a woman from this feeling if guilt. It is not me who did something wrong and it us certainly not me who is no goid enough (I may not be the wealthiest or the pretties woman in the world, but damn it even if I were Kim Kardashian irBritney Spears or Katie Holmes I would have all the same problems).

    The oroblem us not me, the problem is that men perceve women in a wrong way. They do not see us as people to be loved, they see us as objects to be enjoy. They cinsume us oretty much in the same way they consume food. Yes, they may love chicken, but should chicken be happy to be loved that way? A lot of men even openly compare omen with unanimated obects, such as shies or ucecream somehow expecting that such comparison would make for us, women, some kind if a sense and somehow justify or at least make us understand their lousy ways if treating us.” You see, honey, for me a woman is not much more then an ice cream. Once I tried one flavor and like it isn’t it oobvious that I would want to try all other flavors efore I make the decisiob which ine I like the most?”Makes sense, doesn’t it? But are we, women, expected to really understand and acceot that nonsense? Should we agree to be treated as though we were unanimated ibjects and alliw men to disregard the fact that we have feelungs and their mean greatment of us can make our lives very unhappy?

    Ir should we start behaving like unanimated objects? “You want some ” ice cream”, don’t you? Well every icecream has a price tag, don’t you know?How much? Well IDK, but I syre think I’m a rare and unique flavor, so lets auctionit and see who will pay the most. Let the guy with most cash get all the best flavors!”

    Fair and square isn’t it? Precisely how unanimated object should be delivered to thebest consumer given our market economy where everything is bought and sold without any feeling i emotion of any kind. But don’t guys hate to be treated by women this way? Dont they call women like this all kind of names? Why? If they think treating women as objects is a fair game, tren why would they complain when women start to actually behave as objects and treat them as bank machines? I think because they secretly want to be loved and valued as humans for more then just their ability to deliver cash. They just try to put rough and tough facade on top of that need to be loved. Otherwise they may hate tgemselves for not being enough manly. As children they learned that men need ti be tough. Now they practice it. As adults somehow they need to learn that relationship with a woman who loves him is not the proper place to be tough.But who ciuld teach them that otger then maybe women themselves.

  11. ws
    6 years ago

    I guess I should be old enough to know better at the age of fifty something…but after an awful divorce and my self esteem dropped to nothing I reached out to a man, we have been having sex for 3 yrs and when I talk of family or anything most couples speak of he ignores and just replies with ya…but if he is in need he talks sex big time. When he gets his needs met I am history for a day or two. I had spoke to him once of what he was feeling in this, if we had a relationship and he pretty much was done with me for about two weeks, he would just ignore me, but then he came back around and wanted his needs met and I just figured what the hell, some attention is better than no one at all. Now inside I hurt, and I still feel lonely, I have never met his family, or his friends, and I am only allowed to his house when he is there alone. I am not certain as to why I stick with him, because as soon as he leaves me from having sex he runs home and goes to on line dating sites. He is not dating anyone, nor sleeping with any of them, just chats with them. I know this because I have confronted a few. I just think it makes me look like a fool, but the self esteem just doesnt care anymore. I bought this program, and it is telling that woman should not hold back, but except the fact that does not make a relationship, and guess what?? That is a cold fact that is so true! I am in this and there is NOT one way it can be turned around! All I am is a FWB. At my age I guess it does not matter, but what I do know is that before you rush into anything with a man, love yourself first!!!

  12. lorna
    6 years ago

    I have a fantastic man in my life, its just before me he dated a elderly woman, and she went back over seas, she still phones him every night and he calls her skat and ends with lul, now he also calls me skat and lul but he always asures me of his love and says he cant be nasty to her as she not around anymore, but it gets to me, i can hear them talk, am i jealous for nothing, we have magic in our relationship, and hope to marry him soon, but the but is still there, she has sisters staying in cape town and want to come and visit them, then obviously she will want to see him, then im in the back ground because she doesnt know that he has moved on to me, am i parranoid over nothing or something, help

  13. Kei
    6 years ago

    A lot of men will and do care. We are wired to care, even just a little. What he’s saying is that you can’t rely on sex as the only way to create a bond. This is the main problem with having sex on the first date. You have not set down any kind of platform on who you are or what you think of him. You have not laughed and/or cried together. You haven’t done anything together except probably eat some spaghetti. That’s not much to go on. You want to base an entire relationship on spaghetti and one session of sex? That’s quite the challenge you are asking of him.

    If a woman will let me do whatever I want to her on the first date, then she must do that for all other men. This is what I have to assume. I don’t know if all her dates were good looking or not. I don’t know if they were successful. All I know is that the path was not a challenge at all. And if it wasn’t a challenge for me then it won’t be for other men either.

    Instantly afterward I lose a huge chunk of respect for her, even though I was persuing her. I think, “I shouldn’t have let it go so far. She should have stopped me. Why didn’t she stop me?” In some cases women are completely aggressive. They jump me! As soon as that happens I start to think, “Oh, she just wants sex. Not a relationship. Okay well I was hoping for more, but whatever.”

    In most failed relationships, sex too soon was the basic problem that led to the end. I tried to care for her and respect her, but it’s hard to respect someone that inside you think is a slut and would sleep with anyone. It doesn’t just devalue her. It also devalues me. It makes me feel that I am not special. She would give it up to anyone. How can I live with this person?

    I hope this was helpful ladies. Wait a few dates. Get to know him better. Let him touch but don’t lead him too far. Don’t let him go to far. We get very excited. 🙂

  14. Jennie
    6 years ago

    I did an experiment in dating a man recently, as Ive been single for awhile. So, I met an attractive man, and Ive seen him three times, as I this time, I want to know someone before we have sex.
    So , I decided to see how I felt if I went against how I view sex and relationships now.
    So , on our second date, I let having him have sex with me, was it good? No, not really, and I walked away feeling really nothing.
    Then we went on another date, and he came to my home, he didn’t touch me really all night and my home, we even sat on the couch together and watched a movie and he didn’t even hold my had or put his arm around me, it was like we were just friends watching a movie. And I thought, “gee, he has sex with me, but now he wont even touch me”, so anyways the end of the evening came. And he was going to be leaving soon, but he then started making the moves.
    So I decided to have sex with him again, to see how I would feel. And I let it happen, we had sex.
    I say sex, becuz that is all it was, just sex.
    And I realized at that moment, this is NOT what I want. I do not want to at the age, of 54, have meaningless sex, for me if I am going to go that far with a man, it must have meaning behind it, otherwise, Im just wasting my time.
    So I decided I don’t want to see him anymore. And what I did notice when we were making out, there was no real touching and kissing, just “lets get down and dirty”, even when we were having sex , and it was with him on me, he didn’t even kiss me the whole time, we were just screwing.
    That is when I knew I want more with someone then just sex.
    This type of a casual dating sex lifestyle is really not for me.
    I want more,
    I want to have emotions, touching and closeness, I don’t want to just have sex, because to me, it is a very special bond between two people, and that is what I want with someone, a close bond.

  15. Carol
    6 years ago

    I once heard the most important three things in a relationship is, ‘Communication, communication, & communication.” If you are worried about what is going on in your relationship and need it clarified, ask. Say something like, “Just wondering if you could help me out. I’m really not sure where I stand in this relationship” or “Help me out to know I stand with you.” As far as sex goes, I lay my cards on the table and say, “I’m only have sex when I am in a monogamous relationship (just like Patty Stranger from the show, The Matchmaker) Be prepared what you might hear, good or bad and… Remember, whatever he might say, believe him and if you don’t like it, move on; no one deserves to be used, don’t give hm that satisfaction if you are never going to have any type of relationship, and stay in contact for what…. Except give the guy some extracurricular activity. We deserve better so, I believe, get on out there and lets find someone worthy ❥

  16. Eruvwu Obuaya
    6 years ago

    Interesting article and I commend the writer. However, inspite of how the sexes view sex, keeping yourself until the wedding night is both biblical for those who have a personal relationship with God; and gives you unbelievable respect with your future spouse, I and others can attest to it! In addition you never have to deal with the emotional anguish of a breakup – although you’ll be heartbreaken you’ll have true dignity and get over it with the knowledge that you kept your dignity intact and they truly did not deserve you.

  17. Krista
    4 years ago

    Thanks for the heads up.. I’ve totally been slacking where my man needs me.. time to get back to the basics… almost 3 yrs and he’s my best friend still. I love you Mitchum!!!

  18. Tonya
    3 years ago

    I met a guy 6months ago we agreed that it was for sex and a friendship but he made it clear he didn’t want a relationship. I was okay in the beginning but we spend every minute we can together and we have isolated ourselves from other men and women and sex once a day at least. I have falling for him and am in lover with him he tells me I promised to not catch feelings cause he only wanted a friend but I can’t turn them off or be a friend of he meets someone else. He goes way above a friend to keep me happy from surprises to seeing a little jealousy in him.h3 says he isn’t capable of love but his actions say otherwise and he reminds me I’m just a friend. I’m so confused when everyone tells me he loves me and he acts like he does but says he doesn’t and we have all signs of it being a relationship yet he says just a friend. I don’t know what to do I love him but I need to know how he truly feels or if I’m waiting my time ?